And now for some dirty talk…

There’s nothing like a good dump in the morning to set you up for the day, is there? Go on, admit it.

I never imagined I would ever be comfortable – never mind kid-at-Christmas enthusiastic – talking about poo.

Equally, once upon a time, I could never imagine putting the above two sentences into conscious thought, let alone publishing them on the World Wide Web.

But sometimes, we all need a little help, particularly if you suffer with constipation. But this is equally true if you’re as regular as clockwork when it comes to “dropping the kids off at the pool” (one of the cleaner euphemisms I could think of).

Whether the thought of participating in colonic hydrotherapy sickens, amuses or frightens you (it’s usually one of the three), it’s something EVERYONE needs to do. And regularly.


  1. Most people eat far more      than our hunter-gather ancestors ever did, and with a much higher rate of      frequency. It takes a hell of a lot longer for your food to travel from      your mouth to the other end than you think, hence we create backlogs by      eating too frequently.
  2. The vast majority of us  – especially in the western world –      consume man-made chemicals that were never meant to go anywhere near our      digestive systems in the form of processed foods.
  3. Anything which is left to      linger will putrefy and rot. You wouldn’t walk around with a handbag full      of decomposing food, but that’s basically what you’re probably doing every      day.
  4. Your intestines are around      23 feet long. If there’s nothing hanging around in there after a life time      of eating so far, I’ll give you a medal and then suggest you get in touch      with the Guinness Book of World Records.

And there are a gazillion other reasons.

But why does this matter?

Apart from the agony of digestion, the danger of bowel cancer and the misery of IBS (among others) a clogged digestive system doesn’t make for a happy person. Most of the happy hormone, serotonin, is produced in our guts.

And more than 80 per cent of the neuro-transmitter receptors which determine our emotions and mood line our intestine walls. Put simply, your guts have their own mini-brain. Ever noticed how your mood instantly improves when you’ve had a really good toilet session? No? Maybe that’s just me, then…

I sit here typing this feeling a little tired and sleepy, but with an overriding feeling of calmness and serenity. And that’s because I’ve just been for my first colonic of the year.

Actually, it was more than 2 weeks ago now, but I have had girl flu and been frantically running around organising my imminent departure to Florida. So, apologies for the delay.

Personally, I like to go for a colonic at least twice a year, if not three times. And a good colonic hydrotherapist – as well as being as rare as rocking horse excrement – is as essential as a good GP. Or a hairdresser.

What makes a good colonic hydrotherapist?

  • A lot of this is down to      instinct. First and foremost, you need to like them and trust them, and      feel relaxed in their company.
  • How clean is the      environment?
  • Does the therapist look well-groomed?     
  • Do they attend continual      professional development to keep up to date?
  • VITALLY IMPORTANT: Is the      equipment disposable? It should be!
  • How in-depth is the      initial consultation? Do they take the time to answer your questions and      put you at ease?
  • Do you get the feeling      that the colonic treatment on offer is a casual side-line, keeping the      money coming in, when really the practitioner is more interested and      experienced in other therapies, such as facials, massage, etc? Not only      should you look for a specialist, YOU DESERVE ONE.
  • The therapist should      remain in the room with you during the treatment. There are new-fangled      systems around which enable the treatment to progress without their      presence being essential. This is NOT what I would recommend. They should      be giving their full attention to you, and looking out for any tell-tale      signs of digestive problems. They can’t do this if they’re catching up on      phone calls and paperwork in the next room. You’re paying for their time      and professional knowledge, so don’t settle for anything less.


Before I sign off today, I want to leave you with a full-blown, shameless plug and tell you about my colonic therapist, Carole Horn, who is based in Retford, near Newark, Nottinghamshire. I’ve been visiting Carole for several years now and if I ever talk about colonics, her name never fails to come up. She may be a bit of a drive away from wherever you are, but she’s worth it. She ticks all of the above boxes and more. In fact, I only wish that she would train as a midwife, just in case I have children one day – I would love to have her sat at my side. But alas, as she would say in her jovial, Midlands twang: “I only do poo, not blood.”

At the very least, take a look at her website so that you can gauge how a professional, experienced colonic hydrotherapist presents themselves. Better still, book in for an appointment.

For those of you nearer to London, I also whole-heartedly recommend the lady who trained Carole. Anne-Lise Miller is based in Primrose Hill and possibly knows just about everything there is to know about this kind of stuff. She also does a mean line in juicing detox retreats in France, no less. I’ve been to a couple of the 10-dayers she’s done in the UK, and I can vouch for the fact that if you take that particular plunge, you will come away feeling like a new person in body and mind. Take a look at Anne-Lise’s website at:





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by George

I’m George Dryden - a slightly-off-the-wall-but-in-a-good-way journalist, blogger and almost-raw vegan. In April 2014, I graduated as a Certified Health Educator from the Hippocrates Health Institute, in Florida, USA (more about George)

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